I don't want to babysit

I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.  Probably because my mom was.  and her mom was.   I haven't ever lacked ambition in "the working world", but I always imagined I would put that aside once  I had children.  And now I am learning why it's less glamorous than I imagined.  It's hard.  hard not having your mind engaged, hard not being with other adults, hard coming to the end of each day and wondering if I accomplished anything or merely survived.  Going from a challenging work environment and a paycheck to dirty diapers and play dates hasn't been easy.  There are some days and moments when my "mommy bliss" is off the charts.  And there are days and moments when all I want to do is throw in the towel.  or disappear.  or just go to sleep.

I've been wrestling with the question, "what does it mean for ME to be a stay-at-home mom".  Not the one on pinterest.  Not my friend.  or that mom on Facebook.  If I'm serious about this "full time mom gig", I have to make it from scratch.

I don't want to babysit.  I did that when I was 16.  I got paid.  It was great.  But I don't want to go back.  If my life as a stay-at-home mom consists of play-dates, popping in DVDs, and "living" for nap time, it will be a waste.  for me and for my children.  No, I want to do life with them.  I often think back to 200 years ago when women not only stayed at home, but they ran the home.  They were growing, picking, & washing their own fruit.  They were sewing and knitting their own clothes.  They were washing those clothes by hand.  with their children.  When we ushered in the era of grocery stores and washing machines, I think we lost some of what it means to invite our children alongside to learn and to help.  You probably won't see me post about any clothes I am sewing, or washing any clothes by hand.  I'm not that domestic :).  I am stirred, though, to move towards a motherhood that is more purposeful, more educational, and more intentional.  I want my child to know that he is needed, that he is wanted, and that he is important.  And if I'm babysitting him, I won't communicate that.

First stop on this journey:  invite my child to cook with me, even if it takes (a lot) longer.