coming out of the woods

Wow.  A new record for me.  Almost 3 months since I have written!  A lot has happened, so i just gave myself the grace to drop off the planet for awhile...which included blogging.  especially blogging.

And now I feel ready to return.  Soon after Thanksgiving, John and I found out we were pregnant :).  There's nothing like seeing that "plus" sign on a stick when you weren't expecting it.  SO many emotions all at once!  It was a big surprise to us, but we were very excited.  Christmas came and went, nausea and exhaustion in tow.  We told our family members and a few friends.  excitement abounded.  I even took pictures of our sweet family finding out the news :).

On January 10th, we went in for our 10 week ultrasound.  We had a healthy ultrasound at 5 weeks, so this was our second.  We had made plans to go out to eat that night to celebrate.  Our doctor, however, couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound :(.  I remember the doctor asking me if I had had any cramping or spotting and I said no.  From that moment on until we left the doctor's office, everything seemed surreal.   I knew what she was telling me, but I couldn't wrap my head around it.  Our baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks, 2 days.

We came back in the following Monday.  No heartbeat again.  and no growth since the last Thursday.

Everything was confirmed. Our baby had gone to be with Jesus.  My body was having a "missed miscarriage", meaning my body had not responded at all to the miscarriage--no cramping or spotting.  I was even still having pregnancy symptoms (nausea, food aversions/cravings, etc.).  I was told I had 3 options.  I could go straight to surgery and have a D & C.  I could take some cervix softening medicine and hope my body would respond, or I could wait it out.  She said there was no hurry, whatever I decided to do.  

I chose to wait.  and wait I did.  for almost two weeks--with no cramping or spotting.  It was a long two weeks.  Finally, I started spotting.  I took the medicine the next day and the baby passed through that night.   It was far more painful and difficult than I ever imagined.  I'll spare you all the rest of the details because you are probably wondering why I've even shared this much.  I know most people don't talk about their miscarriages, and they definitely don't talk about the details of it.  

I thought about not sharing, but them remembered the reason I started blogging in the first place--to write my story.  And if that's true, then I can't leave this out.  Not at all.  In the last month I have felt so surrounded, cared for, prayed for, and loved by friends and family.  I could see and feel God's love through them.  One of those friends is my neighbor.  She had mentioned to me before that she had a miscarriage.  What I didn't know at the time was that she had the same kind of miscarriage.  and she found out on the exact same day---last year.  january 10th.  Talk about a gift from God.  She walked me through each step along the way, answering all my questions and telling me her story.  I'm hopeful that one day I can do the same for someone else.

One month later, I am coming out of the woods.  I am hopeful about what is ahead for my family.  I am hopeful that God will redeem this pain.  I don't know why our baby isn't still with us.  I do know His love has been near.  His grace is sufficient.  and His plans are bigger than mine.

When I was going through the darkest days of the last month, I recalled the pictures I had taken of family when we told them about the baby.  Honestly, I thought that I would never want to look at those pictures again; that looking at them would bring back too much pain.  But I don't feel that way anymore.  I'm reminded today that the joy that this baby brought was not in vain, and our baby's life is still precious, even though we never got to meet each other.  I can celebrate who they are because one day I will get to meet them face-to-face.  What a joyful thought in the middle of such sorrow.