I don't want to flee

Back in my teens and early twenties, I had the opportunity to learn scripture from one of the best Bible teachers I know.  Her name is Melissa.  She had the ability to turn seemingly dull words on a page into words that were ALIVE and mine for the taking.  I've never heard the Bible taught in the same way, nor do i think I ever will.  There are a few of her teachings that stand out to me, and come back to me in weeks like this one.

I've been feeling anxious lately, and finding it hard to not hop on the train to worry-never-land.  When I do hop on, I'm already 50 miles down the tracks before I realize what has happened and it's hard to find my way back.  By that time, my anxiety is the size of a very large elephant...sitting on me.

A few mornings ago, I was taking some time to pray before I went to get Beckham out of bed.  I could hear him on the monitor, singing away, so I turned it down and tried to turn up the ears of my heart.  "Oh Lord, speak!!  I'm so desperate for your voice to cut through this thickness", I thought as I laid my head against the headboard of our bed.

It wasn't but a minute before this scripture came to me:

"This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation.
In quietness and trust is your strength."

-Isaiah 30:15

I've heard this scripture before and it's a very encouraging one.  But there is so much more to it, as Melissa taught me, 10+ years ago. She didn't stop after verse 15.  She taught the rest of it, too.  and I'm so thankful.

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

In repentance and rest is your salvation.
In quietness and trust is your strength.
but you would have none of it.
You said, 'No, we will flee on horses.'
Therefore, you will flee!
You said, 'We will ride off on swift horses.'
Therefore, your pursuers will be swift!

-Isaiah 30:15-16

That night, 10 years ago, we started exploring what our "horses" are.  How we flee from God's rest and His quietness.  and this week, I am reminded all over again.  I'm such a "flee-er!!" and my horse, this week anyway, is anxiety.  I can choose to enter God's rest (even if I have to choose 187 times per day).  And when I decide I don't want to trust, God won't stop me from hopping on and riding away, but He reminds me that it's a dead end road.  And at the end of the road, there is only more anxiety to meet me.

As I sat there in my bed, I found myself saying to the Lord, "I don't want to flee.  Help me BE."  Help me sit here, in this moment while I wait.  Help me to not run away....from my feelings, from the insecurity, from the uncertainty.

*I need reminders, so I wrote it on our chalkboard (which has white edges against a white wall, so it looks like the board is floating), and now I pass it every time I come into the kitchen.  which is a good thing.*