even when it's dark

I had a few minutes to myself the other day, sitting on a park bench.  There was a storm coming, so the wind had picked up and it didn't feel like August at all.  more like Fall was just a breath away, and I let my chest soak it in.  The trees swaying, the dark clouds moving in, and the wind stirring up joy in my spirit.  Joy that has been buried for awhile.

As I sat there, I realized how long it had been since I had written.  on here.  or anywhere.  The truth is that it's been a hard season.  Since the miscarriage, I've had moments of joy and light-heartedness that peek through at random times and days, but mostly I've been cloaked with a heaviness that I can't seem to shake no matter how hard I try.  No one tells you how hard this is.  I've always thought of miscarriages as "normal" and couldn't fully understand why someone would spend very long mourning over a baby they hadn't even met yet...or much less only "known" about for 6 weeks.   To be honest, I still don't understand it.  But I know it's real. 

We haven't been able to get pregnant since the miscarriage, which has only intensified my grief.  Every month, my heart unwillingly climbs into a roller coaster seat and straps in for the ride.  I'm begging to get off, but I can't.  

There are a lot of things I "know".  I "know"...

That the amount of children I have doesn't define me.  

That my family's story doesn't need to look like anyone else's. 

That God's plan and His timing are perfect. 

That I need to "relax". 

That one day, it won't be this painful.  

That I'm blessed to have even one child.  

Head and heart knowledge don't always see eye to eye.  

And so, underneath this heaviness, I stopped writing.  I think the ache just covered me up and gave me tunnel vision.  And seeing all the Facebook celebrations and announcements made me close my lips just a little tighter.

But I know I need to speak.  If even just for myself.  as a reminder that when I am in the darkness, I don't have to disappear.

³ "I will give you hidden treasures,    riches stored in secret places,so that you may know that I am the Lord,    the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

-Isaiah 45:1-3