pulling in my oars

One year ago this week, I was taking Fall photos with my sister and she asked me if I was thinking about getting pregnant.  I said yes, and we talked more about it.  One month later, I held the positive pregnancy test in my hand and couldn't believe that it happened so soon.  6 weeks after that, I miscarried, and headed down into the valley; I haven't come out since.

Each month that we didn't get pregnant following the miscarriage, my heart got heavier and more anxious than the month before.  The roller coaster of hope and disappointment was taking it's toll.    I got lots of advice to "relax" and "not think about it", which is much easier said than done.  How do you relax about something that your heart longs for so deeply that it hurts?

This wasn't a part of my plan.

God obviously has other plans.  And while I'd like to say I've been ok with that, I haven't.  I've been kicking and screaming the whole way.  but not just kicking.

I've been....

crying (a lot)
journaling
praying
seeing a counselor
talking
reading scripture
sitting in silence
wrestling with God

Day in and day out.  Moment by moment.  and I'm weary.

I've read about "secondary infertility" and heard that it's common, but I don't know many people that have gone through it.  It's not normal party talk.  And compared with what many couples go through to get pregnant for the first time, it is minor.  I do have a beautiful child and I am so, so grateful.  He brings me joy every day.  And yet, my heart still hurts....
 
And in the world of Facebook, people are not posting status updates about how they can't get pregnant.  Mostly just celebrating the pregnancy they do have.  If you look on Facebook long enough, despite what you know to be true, you start to wonder if there is anyone else not getting what their heart desires?  if anyone else is really suffering?

I've been scripting a blog entry for awhile now.....about how I struggled all these months not being pregnant but I finally made it out, got pregnant, and now I want to offer hope for anyone in a similar situation and to tell them they aren't as alone as they feel.

But a few days ago I decided that the entry can't wait until I am pregnant.  I decided that it needs to be written now.  right now in the desert..... when my tears are still wet and my heart feels like it's limping, and every pregnant person at the grocery store makes me want to crawl in a hole and weep, and some days I am struggling to just make it through.  Because maybe there is someone out there that feels the same way.  maybe.  And if there is, at least you can know you aren't alone.  and we can wait together.

Yesterday morning as I sat with Jesus and emptied myself at His feet, He gave me an image.  I was in a small fishing boat with Him.  He was in front and I was behind him.  We both had a set of oars by our sides.  Jesus took his oars and starting rowing forward.  Instead of rowing with him, I stuck my oar in the water and went against the flow, trying to reverse the direction of our boat.  All the while I was looking back over my shoulder at something behind me.  I was telling Him, "I want to go back there.  That is what I want", pointing to something far behind me.  He said to me, "Just pull in your oars and let me row.  I've got something better for you up ahead."

I'm helpless to trust the Lord in my own strength.  Every fiber of my being wants to reverse my boat and head towards what I want.  Even though I know it's a fruitless effort, I keep trying.  and my boat is going nowhere.  I desparately want to pull in my oars.  I want to let Him lead.  and yet I can't muster the strength on my own.  So I'm just asking the Lord to help me.  One minute at a time.