walkin' blind

I feel like the woman inside this box. She seems to be clueless about where she's going, but is also pretty content to keep walking in spite of that. She has some cute shoes on.....which actually doesn't fit with the analogy because finding cute shoes in my size is well...hard. But that's another blog post entirely :)

back to the picture. Right now, I feel completely clueless about where my journey is headed. I know that I'm pregnant!! (yippee!) Beyond that, I have no earthly idea what I am doing. I have nieces and nephews that I love. I've babysat for more families than I can remember and was a camp counselor for oh...forever. Although I'm sure all that experience will come in handy one day, it's not really helping me now. I've never been pregnant. I've never had a baby of my own.

If I am honest with myself and with you, I'm scared out of my mind...giddy with anticipation and excitement, but also scared. I’m scared of being a controlling mother, of passing all my bad habits onto my children, and that my life will never be the same again.

I hadn't admitted this to anyone until a week ago. I don't think I had even admitted it to myself. But after talking with John I realized something. For most of my life, I've spent countless hours planning, preparing, and researching each new step along the way. Before I crossed into the next territory, I had statistics on it, and a plan of action. Not so with this one. I'm in completely uncharted territory and that's terrifying to me.

Somehow, though, I think that was part of God's plan all along. Not to terrify me, but to free me. My planning, although helpful at times, can also be a prison. My organization can become my god. So, here I am, feeling like I am walking around with this box over my head--walkin' blind is what it feels like. But I'm gonna keep walking. Cause something tells me that life might be a lot more fun if I can let go of my plans and roll with His--even if i find out just one step at a time.