Stopping to catch my breath

This word takes me back to afternoons in high school dancing in my room singing to contemporary christian music with lyrics about how God wants us to "be still". I can just see myself now, singing loud (or lip syncing if I thought people could hear me), dancing around, and thinking about how "right" it was to be still before God. That's what I'd heard anyway.

It wasn't until I was a junior in college that I think I was ever actually still. emotionally, physically, and spiritually still. I was spending a semester abroad in Kingston, Jamaica and experiencing loneliness for the first time in my life. I'm not saying I had never been lonely before. But this was the first time I was allowing myself to experience it. I didn't have any friends. or a car. or air conditioning. Suddenly, there was space to breathe, to think, and most importantly to feel.

Like a pair of bloodhounds, pain and sorrow had been hot on my trail since I disappeared into laughter and smiles so many years ago. And when I finally stopped long enough to catch my breath, they found me. It never would have happened had I not been still. Nor would I have been still if I had had a choice in the matter. God knew it was time time to wake me from my slumber and start really living--as painful as it can be sometimes.

The next year of college I took a course on Henri Nouwen and the art of being silent and listening. It's still a wonder to me how I ever got college credit for a Christian course at a public institution, but I did. I learned more in that class than any other I took in my college career. There I began to practice silence and stillness by choice for the first time. What I found and heard was very different than what I expected. I discovered that I was loved. really really loved.

You'd think after an experience like that, I'd never go back to running from stillness, and yet--I do. I'd much rather accomplish something or make myself feel good or run away. I know that when I actually do take the time, I never regret it.