Letting Go

My arrival in Saginaw was a sweet one. There was a husband here who was very excited to see his wife and his baby-in-the-belly. That husband made many (many) trips up and down the apartment steps to retrieve all the baby-to-be's goodies. We were so happy to be back together and so joyfully expectant for our baby boy. It was one of those "storybook moments". They come and they go, but when they come they are truly a gift.

The next two days were filled with unpacking happiness. For those that don't know me, packing and unpacking is WAY more fun than it was ever intended to be. For this type A woman, packing and unpacking is a confirmation of order, cleanliness, and that everything has its very own spot. ahhhh...... As the days progressed, however, I slowly turned into a big ball of controlling mess. I was trying to control any and everything. Sure, I'm a planner--it's part of my personality. But I had taken it to a new all-time level. I had made a list of every "baby" thing I needed to do, buy, create, think about, plan for, and five other lists for everything else in my life..... and I was checking each list twice. every hour.

It wasn't until I had gone a little insane and driven John a little crazy, that I realized something deeper was going on. With the help of the Holy Spirit and my patient husband, I started to realize just how scared and unsure I am about this next season of life. And in order to not feel completely out of control, I am trying to control every possible thing that surrounds me--from the nursery to the pantry. I mean, is it really a crisis that I don't have more than 1 can of diced tomatoes in my pantry? Really, Briana?! I think we'll manage.

After a week of the madness, I was on the phone with an old friend, telling of my controlitis, and I said this sentence...

"I really believe that if I could just let go.....let go of my agenda, of control, of the unknown, of my own imperfections......that my life would be a lot more enjoyable".

I know actually doing that is a lifelong process, but my point was simple. Letting go. I can sense, stronger than ever, that God is wanting to free me from my prison of anxiety and fear. In my best moments, I can see how loving and gracious He is for helping me face this stronghold--and not letting it go unnoticed. So, that's my phrase for 2011. Let go. ---at the grocery when John is bagging groceries the "wrong" way, in the kitchen when our dinner starts bubbling over into the oven eye, in the nursery when the new dresser doesn't match the crib exactly, and even when we only have one can of diced tomatoes in our pantry. Most importantly, letting go of my own limitations as a mother-to-be. No, I don't know what I'm doing. Yes, I will mess up...and yes, it's ok to learn as I go. Much easier said than done--but it's my heart's desire and it seems like the best place to start.