4 weeks

It's been 4 weeks since I delivered a healthy baby boy named John Beckham Pitt. He is absolutely delicious. and no, i don't mean in the eating kind of way :). He eats, sleeps, poops, grunts, and looks around. Every little facial expression is a like a hershey's kiss dropped into my lap. He is a gift.

Motherhood, in some ways, is like I thought it would be. It's wonderfully natural. I find myself moving to a mother rhythm that I never knew I had. I love him inexplicably, even though he is a "taker" right now and can't give much to me, even in the way of a smile. When I look at his sweet face, I can hardly believe he's here and he's ours, and he's so wonderful. In more ways than one...motherhood is sublime.

Motherhood is also harder than I expected. I knew it would be hard, but somewhere deep down, i thought there was a chance that I'd somehow skip that stage :). That my experience would be different and better, simply because I had read enough or did enough things right. How wrong I was. On many levels. For instance.... My labor was beyond difficult. Being a mother is hard. I don't know what I'm doing. Beckham doesn't sleep great. My nipples are sore.

The theme for the last few days (and weeks) has been guesswork. Although I had great plans of our little one falling into a routine with some help from me, he is still a newborn. His days and nights are mixed up. He can barely hold his head up, or communicate about what he needs. So, there is a lot of guessing going on. Is he hungry? Is he gassy? Is he overtired? And none of my well-intentioned books seem to be able to tell me :).

I also didn't anticipate all the guilt. mother guilt---ughh. i've seen lots of friends and family deal with it. but now I understand. Sometimes I think the internet is a wicked thing for new mothers! There are so many bloggers and commenters out there that act like they know exactly what a newborn needs! and if you don't do it like they do, you're a bad parent. Ahh!! This week has tested my ability to look at those comments and articles and say, "I may be doing it differently, but I'm doing the best I can. and that's enough for Beckham".


Thankfully, I have the support of the best husband I know (the best labor coach, too :)), and we are a team. John has bathtime with Beck every night and even though he can't smile yet, i know he loves it. He sits there, bright-eyed and calm while John pours the water over his moozy rolls of baby fat. I love watching them together.

So, 4 weeks in to this new life. It's one big roller coaster. Once I think I've hit my stride, there's a new twist, turn, or drop and it's more than enough to humble me....and cause me to ask God for help to raise this little one. Maybe that's all part of the plan :).