Dreaming

I've had a light bulb moment. I owe this, in part,to a friend with whom I talked on the phone a few days ago. We were talking about her career path and I posed the question, "If you could be released from all expectation from yourself and others, what would you do?" It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized I needed to ask myself the same question. I have two degrees in an area that I love. I am somewhat gifted in it and I get to help people in the process. Reading the last sentence makes me wonder why I am even asking myself this question. Something, though, tells me that it is important.

So, I started brainstorming. What would I do? if I didn't have expectations to do anything except what I loved? Thinking about this question seems like it would be fairly harmless, but it actually felt rather rebellious. Not to mention frightening. Much of my identity is wrapped up in "what I do" and what I contribute to society. I've found a rather comfortable niche for myself, where I can check off the boxes of career, pass the test, and do a job I am proud of. Why disrupt that? I guess I am asking myself, "why not?". Why not dream about living expectation-free and doing something out-of-the-ordinary, maybe something that I will really love?

My first thought was to have a baking business. While in Dominica, I learned to bake because 1) I had the time, and 2) it was one of the only kinds of foods that reminded us of home. Cookies are cookies, right? and so cookies I made. Not only were they a tasty chocolate delight, but they were a taste of home--of something familiar and comforting. Baking for me, seems to be similar to gardening, painting, or designing. Its the creation of something beautiful or wonderful; it's therapeutic.

My second thought was organization. There are few things I love more than organizing a messy closet, a chaotic kitchen, or a non-existent budget. I love to organize--on any level really. How does www.organizeyourlife.com sound? Need a professional organizer? Need to create some order in that crazy schedule? I am your woman!

One of the most lofty of all my ideas was to be a writer. I am almost scoffing at myself even as i write the words. Me? A writer? I'm not even sure what I would write about, much less if someone would want to read it, but I do know that i love to write. The idea, however, of "writing a book" feels as daunting to me as....well...(insert the most daunting thing you can think of). What I can do, though, is start by writing these blog entries. Thus begins my writing experience--about anything and everything. Maybe not many will read it, but at least you are! And maybe one day those writings can be combined and shaped and re-formed to be the beginning of a book. Or maybe, this blog will be my form of a book. Either way, I'm going to start writing.

Maybe I will write and bake and organize. and one day be a mom. and be a counselor, too. Maybe all at once, but hopefully not :). Maybe I'll do each of these things for a specific time in my life. I don't really know. I am starting to realize that I need less control in my life and more dreams; less predictability and more spontaneity; less "shoulds" and more freedom.